I've been so scared to open up and be honest about my struggles with mental health. I know I'm not alone in this and that so many women are scared to open up because they feel that they will be judged, looked down on, or that it will affect peoples perception of them.
I want to speak up because I believe that people who are struggling should know that they are not alone. Even though it might feel like it. Trust me, I know.
I want to be strong, be raw and hopefully it will do some good in the world. Maybe inspire someone or motivate someone to look for the help they need.
HOW IT STARTED
Since the age of 17 I would struggle with anxiety, terrible panic attacks, depression and even with so many different medications they would put me on...I would just get worse and worse. I believe it was because I would have to hide my health. I could never turn to my family, my mom would get angry at me when I would have panic attacks, because I was "faking it" and "looking for attention". I learned to suffer in silence.
I got married at 22 thinking I could escape the controlling dynamic of my family. I was wrong. My mental health declined and no medication or therapy would work. I started self harming again. I felt like I couldn't control it, I would burn myself, cut myself, hit my head on the floor, I would scratch myself until I bled. All I would think about is different ways I could "unalive" myself.
I was in and out of mental hospitals, and I honestly hated it.
Im not trying to romanticize these ideations, but I was so lost. I didn't want to keep going if that was all there was to life. People say that it's selfish to have these thoughts but you will never really understand unless you've been through it. It's like tunnel vision, you cant see anything else, you can't think of anything else. It's like there's no other option.
(If you are having these thoughts please call a help line, or 911. Don't try to do this alone)
REACHING THE LOWEST POINT
It got to the point where I couldn't hold a job anymore. I was having hallucinations, and my panic was at an all time high. I was so terrified. I was doing things that were out of character.
They misdiagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder and during this time I was going through divorce. Because of the way that I was behaving everyone left me. My family cut ties with me, my friends did too. My exhusband was controlling and was a trigger for me yet they all decided to protect him and left me when I most needed a support system.
That was my first attempt.
Went in and out of hospitals again and then came the second attempt. I wrote a note on my phone saying goodbye and tried to take my life. I failed.
TURNING MY LIFE AROUND
I realized that there had to be a reason why I was still on this Earth. I knew I had to do something. The years were just passing by and I was a victim to myself. I had to work on myself and stop being my sickness.
I later on got diagnosed with Bipolar depressive type, with GAD. This was huge for me, at first it was disappointing and I felt embarrassed but things finally started to make sense. All the ways I was acting are symptoms of this condition, and even though Im not, not taking accountability, it felt good to finally have answers.
What a lot of people don't understand is that even though it's an invisible sickness, it's still a sickness with real symptoms. I feel that people like my family and "friends" need to educate themselves on these conditions. I guarantee someone is not going to judge someone and turn their backs on their family member if they have any physical condition like cancer, diabetes, a stroke...but why are they so quick to abandon someone with a mental disorder?
I was finally on the right medications and I was ready to make the most of my life. I worked so hard on myself. I did everything possible to be the best version of myself. I discovered that I wanted to be successful, I was so hungry and I had all these big goals for myself. I felt that I needed to make up for lost time.
I still struggled to hold a normal 9-5 job though, I was a lot better yes, but that didn't mean I was cured. I was looking to make money online, looking for ways to achieve my goals. I found content creation and affiliate marketing worked for me.
WHERE I AM TODAY
I stopped taking my meds, because of unwanted side affects. I was very stable while I was taking them but then the side effects got to be so bad that it wasn't working like they used to. Im still navigating that to be honest, but in my journey of self growth and changing my mindset, I have found that I am a lot stronger and more self aware . Everyday is a battle with my mind but I feel like I am a totally different person. I don't NEED the people that I once thought I needed. Just because someone is related to you or has deep ties with you, if they are hurting you, it's better to be without them. YOU come first.
I love creating content on social media and I love teaching women how they can be financially free. I want to inspire women, and there's a lot of people out there teaching others on how they can generate wealth, but they don't think about the mindset. How it shapes everything and how it can make or break you.
My goal is to teach you how you can make your mind work FOR you and not against you. If you or someone you know is struggling with a mental health issue I recommend you take a look at Online Therapy. I have partnered up with them to help bring light to the issue and help those who are in need.
https://onlinetherapy.go2cloud.org/SHeJ
When you use this link you will get 20% off. Please don't wait until it is too late. You can get in that right mindset so you can reach all your goals and become wealthy, not just financially but every aspect of your life. Remember you are not alone.